By Eddlynn Jennifer Mangaoang
Please do not repost or copy to another site. Thank you. Enjoy reading.
Update: July 19, 2021
⚠Trigger Warning⚠ <Mentions of Thoughts on Suicide or Self-Harm, Mental Illness>
Fall Quarter 2019
I was definitely in a very bad predicament during this semester - my grades were failing in a course for my major - and I was constantly anxious and worried about it, but I couldn’t seem to do anything. I felt powerless, I couldn’t sleep, and although it felt like I should be doing something, I’m doing nothing.
It started when I received my first failed exam score. I was slightly worried, but I failed an exam before and I just had to do better with the next exam and everything would be okay. I also turned in homework and papers - anything for the class - on time, but truthfully, my heart wasn’t in them anymore. Although other courses were not affected as much, I was losing focus and interest in studying. I did not want to admit it at that time. I just want to do nothing.
I wanted to stay in my room - with closed blinds, limited sunlight coming in - and spend my time sleeping. I really could use sleep. I was constantly kept awake by insomnia powered with online novel or fan fiction readings that I ended up sleeping in the early morning hours - I tried not to do it during weekdays (sometimes, I still did, more so if classes were in the afternoon).
Because there was limited time in the morning during my morning classes, I would “miss” breakfast - but that was such a term. I know people who totally skip breakfast and they’re fine. I ate some fruits and an easy-to-digest breakfast available and even drank water before going to school - my upbringing made me do so.
My body gave out. I wasn’t feeling very well earlier that week already, in addition to losing sleep, the stress, anxiety, maybe a mild depression?, and an inadequate breakfast led me to pass out in my Med-Surg class right when we’re watching how to reset a fractured wrist bone.
I was feeling nauseous and have been wanting to go to the restroom. Usually, my seat was in the front row in the second column, near the classroom door, but that day, I had to sit all the way to the back, maybe fourth or fifth row, second column near to the wall. I could still go to the restroom, don’t get me wrong, but I felt if I stood up, on my way there, I would lose consciousness.
I brought some bread to class just in case I would feel hungry and I brought it out when I was feeling nauseous because I thought I might be so hungry I get dizzy without proper food. I ate one red apple that morning. That was my first class. In the morning. It’s impossible to become so hungry and pass out when you just had an apple right before class. But maybe… just maybe. So I took a bite. It was awful (not the food) and I couldn’t continue.
The nausea became so bad I had to put my head down for a minute. I didn’t know what happened during that time between me putting my head down on the table and me waking up on the floor in the middle of the room and the chairs away from me and pushed on the walls while my teacher was all over me and my sister’s voice (who wasn’t taking the class, by the way) reaching my ear.
By then, three exams, I think most were failed scores, were taken, and because the question of my health was put out there, the chances of me getting a passing grade was low. Very low. After I came out of the emergency room, the same day, I stayed there for five hours and even took a look at my head (my teacher said she heard a bang and the right side of my face??? Hit the floor) for any damage, my mother insisted, I continued going to classes and even my clinical just so I could say I finished that horrible quarter.
I retook that class during Spring Quarter but ultimately failed with a C-... and spent the summer just filled with thoughts about my lack of future, of failed dreams, and of shattered goals. I didn’t have plan B and I didn’t know who to talk to when it came to other majors I could do. But some angels did help me find another path for myself and they all became part of the reasons I continued to move forward.
Have I come to the point where I hate myself so much because of self-doubt and self-disappointment? Yes. Have I ever thought of self-harm or suicide? Was touching your wrist while thinking how it felt to cut counted as an answer? If yes, well, there you go.
Visiting Sacramento last summer where my relatives live with my mother and sister helped. As much as it could make me forget, that is.
I took writing workshop classes for two consecutive semesters (the quarter to semester conversion made it harder for me as well) during the last school year - I’ve been wanting to strengthen my writing skills since I was fourteen and an amateur fan fiction writer - and used writing as a way to express myself - worries and all.
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Have you had thoughts of suicide or self-harm? Here are some resources to look at:
Call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 800-273-8255 NOW!
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
National Alliance on Mental Illness: https://www.nami.org/help
Call Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)
For LGBTQ+ Youth:
Call Trevor Project Lifeline: 1-866-488-7386 NOW!
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now/
For Men and Boys:
Movembers
https://us.movember.com/about/mental-health
Check out their projects.
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